II Chronicles 7:14

If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Where's the FUN in DysFUNctional?

It seems like it's been a long time since I've blogged about anything very personal. I'm never sure what is "too much" to divulge about myself for the whole world to see. I am the kind of person who has no secrets and will pretty much tell anyone anything they want to know about anything--probably WAY more than people bargain for actually.
Anyway, I've been "struggling" with an issue lately in my personal life and I just don't know what the answer is. Although I could use a million words to describe it and explain it...the bottom line is: I'm overwhelmed. I have so much to do at all times that I don't even know where to begin most of the time. The minute I cross something off of my "to-do list" another 2 or 3 things get added on. I find myself having a rediculously hard time making simple decisions, constantly second guessing myself.
This "realization" came a couple of days ago when (out of the blue) Matt asked me (early in the morning before he left for work) if I was looking forward to the day. I have no idea why he asked me that...but I thought about it and said, "No, all I am looking forward to is the minute it's over and I can finally get into bed." And I realized...that's how I feel MOST days. I literally think to myself sometimes, "if I can just get through this day...if I can just make it till 10 pm...then it will all be over and I can go to bed."
I figure I am either really tired...or really unhappy. I think it's both.
I probably wouldn't have talked about this, but after reading Logzie's blog last night about her bouts with depression, I just felt like talking about it. Not that I think I am depressed. I really just think I am WAY over-committed. Well, really, even as I type that I think that is ridiculous. I don't do any more than many of the other women I know. I don't know what my problem is. I just know that I never feel "done." I never feel like I can sit down and rest or relax without a huge cloud of guilt hanging over my head. If I sit down for 5 minutes, I think of all of the things I could have gotten done in that 5 minutes. I could have made the beds, threw in a load of laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, paid some bills, vacuumed the floor...and on and on and on.
Meanwhile, I am developing a serious case of resentment towards my husband who has no problem at ALL spending the whole evening relaxing while I run around like a NUT trying to "catch up" on everything. Even if I ever did actually get "done"---then I would be overwhelmed with the list of things I WANT to do....like scrapbook, exercise, read, organize my closet, etc....
I'm snappy and irritable and emotional and you never know when I'm going to be crying, screaming or smothering you with affection. (my kids get as tired of me kissing and hugging on them as they do hearing me yell at them!)
I spend so much time just trying to organize and prioritize my thoughts...I have little sticky notes and post-its everywhere! Today I took my shopping "list" to the grocery store, where I had 4 different post-it notes with about 50 random items to buy. (What happened to the days I used to type my list out and put each item in order of occurance in the store? HA!)
I don't want to be unhappy. I have NO REASON to be unhappy. I have the best life I could ever want or dream of. Seriously. I have wonderful, beautiful, healthy kids. A husband who still makes my heart flutter, the house I've always dreamed of, the perfect job, nice vehicles, great friends, a good church, a solid relationship with the Lord, a fabulous family......I can't really think of anything negative to say about my life really---other than me.
I've been watching Joel Osteen a lot and he's been talking about attitude and not letting anyone steal your joy. But no one is stealing my joy....it's just the stress of life that is stealing my joy. How do I stop that?
{{{Big Sigh...}}}
I don't know......

7 comments:

Teresa said...

I have soooooo much to say to you about this topic. It's my newfound passion in fact. It's way more than I could type in a comment box. I'm planning on doing a post about it. You can always calls me too...I'd love to help you and I have ANSWERS!!!

There is HOPE and a solution...you are not alone in this AT ALL...most people are feeling this way.

Miss Got Wings said...

if you find yourself over committed, have you ever tried to say 'no' to something?

i think as women, we are so pressured to be 'yes' women. there is absolutely nothing wrong with turning down another commitment so that you can put quality time back into your life.

it reminds me of an article i was reading in LHJ the other day about living a quality life and letting ceratin tasks fall by the wayside for a while. we are living in a culture that places so much emphasis on being organized and being involved (there are million os self-help books, even stores designed to promote organization). but have we taken it too far? does that bed really HAVE to be made in order for you to get through and enjoy the day? do you really HAVE to throw a Martha Stewart-esque party to be the perfect wife and mother? i struggle so with letting some household duties just wait. i struggle w/ taking on the "God Bless This Mess" mentality. certainly, i don't want the house to go to shambles - but i really can improve my priorities around there. the dishes CAN sit in the sink overnight . . . if it means talking to my hubby or playing w/ the dog. get what i'm sayin? i think a lot of us women struggle with this - and you moms certainly have much more pressures and responsibilites than i do, so i can't complain. just know that i totally get what you're saying. can't wait to see what T has to write on this topic.

in therapy my counselor and i have talked a lot about why was i over-committing myself - is it possible that i was just doing it to avoid bigger, more important issues in my life? b/c when you strip away all of those "extras" the real deal shines through and maybe i was afraid to deal with that.

home4mk said...

this post screams what i have dealt with since staying at home with my kids, that was 3 years ago. this topic still rears its ugly head ever so often.

at times my hubby would ask, *you just mope around-you have nothing to mope around about* and he was right but yet i just couldn't pin point why i was mope-ing around other then the fact that i was so overwhelmed with the things that i NEEDED to get done for myself to feel self-worth and/or accomplishment.

i have the same frustrations as i work my BUTT off at night and the thought rises in my head as it does yours, *how can he just sit their and relax-like their isn't a care in the world but to be in *HIS WORLD*.

some of my solution has been to let it go just momentarily and focus on the kids playing or watching the TV show that is just mindless and lets me escape into their world if only for 30 mins.

most people are feeling the same feelings that you are having...i think it is just one of the many things we as mothers/providers/wives ect...go through.

Slyde said...

hey there... new to your site... youve got some awesome stories and pictures here...

as to being overwhelmed, i can hear my wife as i read this one. if it helps any, you arent alone in feeling overwhelmed

Rachael Rae Diaries said...

Hi Jen! Miss you! sorry I haven't been around to read your fabulous blog!

I am sorry that you are going through this. I have to unfortunately say that I feel I have been going through that also! I feel like whats the point of being here is there a purpose? Some days are better than others. I know Logzie has a great solution she always does but all I can do is pray. I know it will get better, I will keep you in my prayers! Miss you bunches!

Simmons Girlz said...

Okay, so first off, glad to see you are blogging again!

Here is a simple idea! If you do not like your life, change it! yOu are are in control of what is allowed to come in & out of your life.
I have pondered myself about being a mom at home. I think back to what life was like 100 years ago, or more and what women did then. I think a lot of our problems are we are moved by the numbers on a clock. We are so pressed all the time, run here, go there..etc. Sometimes we just need to take a step back and slow way down.

Tammy said...

Oh me, oh my ... I can relate to EVERY WORD of this post!!! I feel the exact same way. I am completely buried and, as I sit here and type, there are a MILLION other things I should be doing. I have no solution - I have the same problem. It is a constant feeling of being overwhelmed. I use that word at least 4-5 times a week. Let me know what Teresa came up with - I'm super, super interested.