memory lane......

Well, I hadn't planned on posting tonight. I was just gonna hop on the computer for a few minutes and read my friends blogs before I went to bed...BUT...I just finished reading Amos's blog and her post about resolutions or changes she wants to make this year and I started getting all sentimental about my kiddos. I realized that my little girl is turning SIX in just 4 days. Of course I knew her birthday was coming up...but to really sit and think about how old she is getting...I just hadn't done it. Even right now...I struggle with it. Part of me wants to really embrace what it means for her to be growing up...and the other part of me says "no...just don't think about it." As if maybe I can keep her little by not thinking about it. She's really making decisions/changes lately that are moving her over from the baby/little girl realm into the big girl/pre-teen realm. She no longer wants to wear hairbow's in her hair anymore (which about kills me! ha ha) and she doesn't like to wear empire-waisted dresses or smocked dresses anymore. No more little mary-jane's or simple white Ked's....she wants heels and sequins and glitter. She refuses to wear cute polka-dot or striped tights with her little skirts anymore and wouldn't put on a pair of overalls to save her life. (not that I can really blame her--but they are cute whey they're little). She's also decided that she doesn't really care for movies/shows that have cartoon characters anymore and definitely prefers movies like Cheaper By the Dozen and Parent Trap with "real people." Anything animated is "baby stuff" according to her. (of course I catch her watching "baby stuff" with Grant all the time..but she'd never admit it! ha ha)
Even more unsettling to me than her turning SIX is the fact that my BABY is going to be THREE in just a few months! If he wasn't still in diapers...I probably couldn't even call him "baby" anymore...but he is...so I am. It is just mind-blowing that he's grown up this fast. Seriously, I don't know where the time has gone. I guess probably 50% of my time, since his birth, has been spent cleaning/cooking, another 20% was probably spent eating, exercising, shopping and working and another 20% spent sleeping and maybe 10% actually spent playing with him. Oh what I would give to rewind back to 2 1/2 years ago...when he was just a couple months old...and hold him again...and rock him and look into his little, innocent precious baby eyes. I don't want that permanently...but just for an hour would be nice. What's scary is...in the blink of an eye...he'll be turning SIX and I'll be wishing I could go back to the time he was 2 or 3--which is RIGHT NOW! If only I could remember to cherish these moments---with both of them. I know I can't completley neglect my other "duties" in life..but really...the only thing that has been being neglected in my life for the past few years...is my time with my children. I've gotten so "productive oriented" that I can't even stand to sit and play with them for more than a couple of seconds because I feel like time is just wasting away. It's like I can hear the clock ticking saying "tick--fold laundry, tock--do dishes, tick--pay bills, tock--clean the bathroom" and so on. If I do play with them, I always end up just cleaning. I sat down with Grant the other day to "play trains" but really all I did was put his track together correctly and then pick up the entire rest of the play room. He came over to me, put his hand on my arm and said, "Mommy, you picking up?" I realized that I had told him I would come up and play with him and he had been SO excited...jumping up and down and he RAN up the stairs pulling me behind him. He was just elated that I was going to stop what I was doing to actually "play" with him...and then what did I do? Clean. Ugh! I feel like I need to be taught how to have fun with them. Even when we paint or do play dough..I think how wasteful it is to spend an hour making something out of playdough just to mush it all back up when you're done and not have gotten anything lasting out of it. And oh boy..don't even ask me to do a puzzle. Not that I haven't always loved a good puzzle..but I just can't see spending all that time putting it together just to take it back apart and put it in the box. What have you gained after all that? Nothing. See what I mean? I am a mess. I need help. I can't relax. I don't know how to have fun. Everything has to produce something or accomplish something. I hate that. Anyone have any suggestions for me?
Well, speaking of getting things done...I should quit rambling on here and do some of my work before I go to bed. Sorry for this long, depressing post. I just let my fingers go where my mind led...and this is the product of it. And by golly..I am not erasing it so as to have wasted the last 20 minutes! ha ha