II Chronicles 7:14

If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Yur killin' me here!

Friday night me and hubby had one of those talks. I'm sure you've all had them. They start out innocent--harmless-- and then suddenly without warning, someone says something that feels like a blow to the heart.
It was all my fault really. I started it. I thought it'd be fun to play a game of "would you rather" with him. I started out with things like "Would you rather me wear a dress or jeans when we go out?" "Would you rather go for a ritzy night on the town or do something more casual and rough-neck?" "Would you rather me be a girly-girl or a tough-girl?" and on and on. (by the way, he said girly-girl on that one!) And as if THAT wasn't bad enough....then I asked the really BAD question: "Would you be happy if I was skinny but not fit and musclar or would you rather me keep working out and toning my muscles?" He said "Skinny". To which I said in horror, "You mean if I stayed this skinny but never worked out another day in my life...you wouldn't care?" And he said, "yah."
Eerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk! (sound of nice, happy conversation coming to a screeching stop!)
Okay....at that point I realized that my husband of over 10 years has just told me that 2 of my strongest assets (I feel) are things he doesn't appreciate or like. I've always been proud that I'm not a sissy girl. I don't worry about messing my nails or hair up. I can get down and dirty shoveling or mowing or anything else that a guy can do. If the tub gets clogged, just give me a screwdriver and I'll fix it. If the light needs to be changed, the trash taken out, the oil in the car changed--whatever it is--I can handle it. There is VERY little, if anything, that I have to have a man do for me. Not that I don't appreciate TOTALLY when he does do those things...because I do...but I hate for him to have to come home from a long day at work to do all kinds of stuff around the house for me.
Secondly, my muscles. I am proud of these muscles. I have worked HARD for these muscles. I have the biggest biceps of any girl I know (well, almost) and I also think I have great legs--considering I'm 30 and the mother of 2 kids. It takes constant dedication and motivation to maintain this level of fitness and muscularity. I'm no body-builder by ANY means...nor would I EVER want to be--but I'm also not flabby and jiggly like some of the other "skinny" girls I know.

That being said, I have always known that Matt loves girls to be and look like girls. The cutsier the shoes...the better. The frillier the dress or shirt...the better. The more "dolled up" I get---the better. And I LOVE getting fixed up. If it weren't for the money, I'd probably always have on cute, girly clothes and shoes, the best make up, great jewelry, nails done, hair fixed....etc.

This whole subject "devastates" me because as many of you know..I try VERY hard to be the dream wife for my husband. I know...some of you will roll your eyes at that statement...but I do pretty much cater to his every want and need. I am willing to be whatever he wants, whenever he wants if it makes his "dreams come true." I just think that the more giving I am--the more giving he'll want to be in return--and even if not--it's the kind of servant attitude that Jesus would have me to have, I think. I am not saying I am his doormat...he treats me like the queen of the house...I'm just saying that when its all said and done, I want to be THAT perfect woman for him. I don't want him to have any reason to look at another woman...or wish he had something else. So.....that is why there is a big kink in my thinking right now. I am devoting so much of my time and energy to being a tough, work-a-holic, work-out woman---picture Betty Crocker meets Wonder Woman. I think I am at my sexiest when I am in a sports bra and gym shorts, hair in a pony tail, muscles bulging doing squats or chin-ups or push-ups. I think Matt may actually be disgusted by it. !!!!! Not by the fact that I am working out...but how I look at that moment.
Obviously, it's Monday and this conversation was on Friday and I am STILL mulling it over in my head. Maybe I should focus more on looking good and being thin? Of course, I am not doing all this JUST for him...it is for me and my kids and my well being. But if he doesn't even care...?
I don't know...my head feels foggy and I can't make sense of all these thoughts. Anyone want to offer any clarity?
I just can't believe he doesn't give a care one way or the other if I ever work out another day in my life!!!
And--I think he'd rather me be more of a sissy-girl than a do-it-myselfer too!
Maybe I should go buy a new cutsie wardrobe and get my nails done and go to the Mac counter at Dillards and buy a whole line of good makeup!?! Wonder what'd he think then? I could quit working out..and just start starving myself.....(ha ha..that's so dumb I can't believe I even just typed it).
Okay, I'm a mess. Bye for now!

2 comments:

Ashley Payne said...

Jen,
You are being too hard on yourself.
I am sure if you asked Matt for clarification, that your worries would be resolved.
Also, someone once told me and I it has helped me so, I will share with you. Don't ask a question you can't handle the answer to.
Good for you about not being a sissy or a girly girl. I pride my self on that a bit too. You are a STRONG & BEAUTIFUL woman - great combo! Matt is blessed to have you in his life. Love you girl!

Teresa said...

Your husband married YOU and he loves YOU, just the way you ARE. Even if you didn't make him breakfast and needed him to clean the drain and mow the lawn...he would still love you just the same girly! Matt loves you weather you are a girly girl or a tough girl or a mix of both...so YOU BE YOU and who you want to be. Consider YOUR wants too...be who you want and that's how God made you and your husband loves you regardless.

Let's look at this from a completely natural standpoint too. Most of the time...those kind of conversations FREAK A MAN OUT b/c he feels there is no way he can win with his answers. They don't think in depth about those things like we do. I think men really don't think about that stuff much at all and when the questions come they just say something off the top of their head (b/c that's what men do) to get it over with and usually it's the wrong thing. I guess what I'm trying to say is that Matt probably doesn't really care and if he knew how badly it hurt you, he never would have said it and probably wishes he could take it back. Let him.

And lastly, for whatever it's worth, sometimes men actually like to have a woman dependant on him. It feeds their ego...the good ego that God made men with...the one that makes them want to take care of their family and be needed and be the head of the household. Maybe you should be a "damsel in distress" every once in a while...just for Matt. :)