My head is in such a funk today. I HATE the way I am feeling. It's grouchy and super analytical and depressed. I seriously feel like I could stare at a blank wall for hours and just analyze my life and all the things I need to do better. Blahh!!
On top of it, our Sunday School lesson today, titled "Fear of Rejection" really "sliced me and diced me." I realized that a LOT of what I do is fueled by just that---fear of rejection. I have this mentality that if I am the BEST that I can be in every single thing...then no one will reject me...and even if they do---it won't be because of something I did (or didn't do).
Like...if I am the BEST wife (look good, dress cute, keep a spotless house, cook healthy/good, mother well, meet all his needs, etc. etc. etc.) then I will never have to fear that Matt will find someone better than me. And if he ever does leave me, well then at least I can rest assured that it wasn't for a lack of me trying.
How demented is that?
I mean...who is he that I should hold him so HIGH that my view of my self-worth rests solely on his shoulders? Don't get me wrong...its no wrong of his. It's PURELY my fault. I know without a doubt that he WISHES I didn't put him on such a pedestal. I can have an awful, self-concious, sad day all because he said something harsh or unloving to me in the morning. Maybe he didn't like what I was wearing or said something about my hair looking gross or that I looked like I'd put on a few pounds (GASP!)...it will haunt me all day..sometimes all week! Poor guy!
It just makes me wonder...what is wrong with me that I am like this?
Most people who said they struggled with fear of rejection could trace it back to a significant event or time in their life when they experienced severe rejection. (a parent walking out on them, a spouse leaving them, a childhood embarrasment) But me? I don't have any reason to be like this.
I have definitely come a LONG LONG WAY from where I was as a child/young teen though. I can't tell you how many things I missed out on in my childhood JUST because I was afraid of what people might think or say about me. How many games and contests I wouldn't participate in...how many clubs and parties I skipped out on...how many questions I didn't answer in class---all because I had fear of rejection.
I don't know where it came from, but I hate it and I NEVER want to see my kids be plagued with it. I mean, of course, we all have our times when we feel a little self-concious...but I'm talking about it being a part of daily life.
Anyway, I am really overwhelmed with thoughts today and I am supposed to be at my desk working...not blogging..but I just wanted to get this out and see if maybe typing it would help.
How many of you would say you have a real fear of rejection? Or am I the only one? I was shocked by how many people in my Sunday School today said they have NO fear of rejection!
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4 comments:
There's a lot that I can relate to here. . . . and would love to discuss it further with ya. I'll be sending you an e-mail.
I think we all have a little fear of rejection in some area of our life. But I think as you get older, you get more confident. And confidence can help overcome that fear. I don't know if confidence is something you can learn but I can tell you this - I don't worry nearly as much about being rejected now as I did 15 years ago. Or even five years ago. Or even last year. Hang in there, girl!!
I am a people pleaser. I'm not going to blame it on history or injury, it's just how I'm built. Pleasing people often means giving up who you are to become who you think they need. In the end you lose, because you'll never win the "I think" battle.
For me, the life changing moment for me came from these two thoughts...
* It's not who/what I am it is WHOSE I am. Got created me. I'm created in His image. There are no greater compliments.
* I am more afraid to displease God than I am to displease people.
I still struggle with those old thoughts (especially hormonally enhanced). I'm sure that it will be a life-long battle, but I consider this my challenge to trust God and overcome. It inhibits my ability to serve God and love my family - neither are acceptable.
You are beautifully and wonderfully made, and I pray that you'll find that to be true everyday.
That kind of fear can be crippling...I know that first hand. I think anyone is suseptible to it at anytime. I have learned a ton about myself in these past couple years of working thru depression. With the help of a counselor, I realized something that I had been doing my entire life...and that is to try and figure out what the "other" (whoever it might be) person wants to see from me and do my best to "be" it. I wasted YEARS upon YEARS doing that. I didn't even know WHO I was or what I wanted b/c I had never considered it! For me that unhealthy pattern was developed in childhood when I was doing everything I could to please my parents (the UNpleasable) and keep peace growing up. I would be or do whatever I thought would hold that junk at bay. Totally unknowingly, I had continued on with that pattern my whole life! I still struggle with it, literally on a daily basis!
Being a parent has really brought a lot of my "issues" to light as well and sometimes, and I'm VERY sad to say this, I put that "wanting to be liked" in front of whats best for my kids. Sometimes I don't stand up for them when I should have all out of fear. I'm ashamed and I challenge myself daily to change this.
As for a solution...I have none...I'll let you know when I find one! LOL!! BUT...what Jenelle wrote really ministered to my heart in a huge way.
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