II Chronicles 7:14

If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Blabber mouth

Here lately, I can't seem to stop talking. It's like a nervous chatter or something. Everytime someone calls me--the call lasts forever---which I hate---and I totally think its because I don't know how to hang up. The minute we finish talking about something, I bring up another subect to talk about and then another and another. Before I know it, the person on the other end of the line is either cutting me off to say "I HAVE to go NOW" or else I hear a real preoccupied "uh-hum" every so often like they are SO NOT interested in what I am saying.
What's really bizarre about this...is I am NOT a phone person. I hate talking on the phone and I hate calling people. I haven't always been like this. I can remember a day (when I was a teenager) that I could sit on the phone for HOURS (especially with my boyfriends) and I was happy to just hear them breathing. Ha!
Anyway, I hate this about myself. Yesterday while I was having one of these phone conversations where the other person (which was my mom this time) was over there probably rolling her eyes and wishing I'd just Shut Up because I could hear it in her voice and the sighs, I thought to myself that I am just going to quit talking altogether. Unless something is absolutely necessary to say...I am not going to say it. No one needs to hear everything I've been thinking about or how I've been feeling every moment of the day.

Hey! A lightbulb just came on...
Maybe I'm so "talky" because I haven't seen my husband in almost 2 weeks now and the only people I've had to talk to for the majority of my days are 6 and 3!!??!!?? Hmmm...that would sure make me feel a little better about it anyway.

It's just that I've noticed things about myself that I'm not very fond of lately. Like the big wrinkle between my eyebrows when I frown or scrunch my nose--and now a days...even when I just have a straight face it's still there. I'm not nearly as motivated as I used to be for the things I was once passionate about. Even going to the gym, which is a HUGE thing for me...I just don't really care that much. I'd love to be more involved in the ministry but lately when I think about it, I just feel like, "oh well, they're getting along fine without me this far...they'll keep being fine without my help."
It's just weird and not really like me.
There is such a huge change in the amount of self-confidence I feel now compared to about a year ago. I don't know why. It's probably all within myself...but I remember feeling SO strong and sexy and desirable and competent for a while there...but right now, I feel exactly the opposite. I feel weak (physically and mentally), I feel SO FAR from sexy or desirable. If I could compare what I feel like I look like to something, I'd have to say Mrs. Shrek. Round and stumpy with weird coloring. ha ha As far as the competent part...I can't even make a simple decision about what underwear to put on in the mornings...how am I going to be able to make important decisions?
Okay, so I know what all you girls are thinking right now. Feel, feel, feel. Didn't God warn us about letting our feelings rule us? And yes, you're right. I KNOW who I am in Christ. It's all in there in my head....it's just not manefesting in my mind, body or actions.
Okay, well...this post is confusing me. I can't even seem to say things on here the way I want. Grr... I just want to say that I almost didn't post this because I don't want any of you to think that I am trying to get sympathy. I am not saying "oh look at poor, pitiful me" by any means. I am just so frustrated with this "me" that seems to be overtaking the real "me". I'm sure this is all linked to that last post I did about the blended emotions and all the crying. If our insurance $ wasn't up, I'd probably go talk to a doctor...but I'll have to wait until January. Hopefully by then though...this will be over.
Okay, anyway, if you're still reading this...sorry! What a waste of your time. Seriously..I don't think I said anything of worth in this whole post. Okay, enough. Love you all and hope you have a good day!


Logzie said...

Jen-even in the midst of such a crazy time for you, you still managed to CRACK ME UP! I about lost it when I read about the Mrs. Shrek part! LOL!!

Anyway, this was SO NOT a waste of my time. Friends are there for eachother in good times AND in not so good times! Seriously, I want to talk with you and pray with you. I think I might be able to help you...Lord knows I've been thru this!!

Talk to you later!
Hang in there!

KC said...

Girl, I've figured it out...you are in this slump because you haven't seen or spent quality time with your husband (due to him working because of the storms)...so you are just in major need of INTIMACY with your Hubby! :) Seriously!

On another note, I was cracking up right along with Logzie...the Mrs Shrek part put me over the edge! haha But I read on, and on, just to see what in the world would pop out of your mouth next! I couldn't tear myself away! haha

Logzie is right, it isn't a waste of time to be there for our friends through the good and the bad. We're here for you Jen....and we Love you Bunches!!!!!

Kate said...

don't feel bad and don't apologize for blogging about it - it's your space to write whatever you want. and we love to read it, no matter what :)

I'm sure not seeing your hubby has a lot to do with it. And I think a lot of it may be nerves before the holidays- trying to get too much done in a little amount of time and trying to do everything perfect, that our mind starts to shut down on us and we're just running on adrenalyne. Make sense? i hope you get to spend some quality time with the husband soon. In the mean time, feel free to blabber to any one of us. We love to "listen' (well, it's reading really)

Crystal said...

Believe me girl, I go through emotions and periods JUST like you. Hell, for a minute I thought it was MY post;0) Chin up sweet! As soon as hubby comes back you'll be glowing and everything wont be such a big deal.

Until then, do something special for yourself. A nice hot bath with candles or go get you a massage or even go workout. A really good workout always does it for me. And the phone thing? No big deal, I do EXACTLY the same thing....

Amy said...

We all love you, Jenni and I think we can all identify w/this post. I know I certainly can! When Jason was working crazy long hours last week (12-13 hour days and he's currently on day number 11 without a day off with no end in sight until maybe this weekend.) and then when he came home he ate dinner and went straight to bed because he had a cold, I thought I was going to go CRAZY! Plus, Easton had a cold and was SO fussy for 3 days straight. He cried and I cried and it was really ugly. During that time I felt exactly the way you just described.

You just need some good quality time w/your hubby and you'll be good as new. Plus, take time to do something just for you. Take a bubble bath, go shopping, go out w/one of your friends for some girl time...whatever it is, make sure it is something special just for YOU because you deserve it. :)

Hang in there! Love you!

Amos said...

Oh yeah, totally there with ya! This whole ice storm thing threw me for a loop. Maybe had I known it was coming I would've been a little more prepared, but I just felt like I got hit in the face hard with a flood of emotions. And no it's not a waste of time, it's our real feelings and telling them to someone else helps!