You know, all my life I grew up thinking I was pretty intelligent. I've always made very good grades and pretty much excelled at everything I did in school. I've been put in positions in jobs I've had that were above my level and I thought it must because they could see I was smart and dedicated. But now as I am older and maturing, I see that I am really pretty average in the "smarts" department---if not below average. I honestly don't think I am intelligent enough to carry on a decent conversation with most people these days. I know a LOT LOT LOT less about the Bible than I thought I did. I know (remember) nothing from history or science that I learned in school. I can barely do any kind of math without a calculator and sometimes, I am incapable of even completing a simple sentence because my mind wanders before I get the whole thought out. Most days I feel like a complete "air head."
These thoughts and feelings were spurred today by a conversation I had with my dad that went along the lines of me saying what I thought the preacher was saying at church today and him telling me that I was wrong...that that was not what he was trying to say or even talking about.
It's as if his opinion or his view was absolutely right and mine was absolutely wrong. Whether or not I was right or wrong...I don't know...but I do know that talking to him about it made me feel like I am a complete idiot. (which I know I'm not) but I HATE feeling like that.
Most of the time when Matt and I talk about the Bible, I feel that way too. Just the other day he and I were reading/talking about the story of Abraham and Isaac. There is a scripture that says that Abraham told his servants, "The boy and I are going up to the mountain to worship and then we will return." I told Matt, "See! He KNEW God was going to deliver him somehow from the horrible burden of giving his son as a sacrifice. That's why he said WE will return." To which he disagreed and said he thinks the reason Abraham said that was to keep his servants from thinking anything unusual was up. That just made me feel like my interpretation of it was wrong and I was stupid for even thinking it.
Even when I try to help Brooklyn with her homework from school, I feel like dummy a lot of the time. Guess I'm really not "smarter than a 1st grader". Ha ha
Anyway, I didn't write this to get sypmathy from everyone...it's just a "revelation" I feel like I am having. ---and it's pretty darn depressing. Even when I am with my close friends (yes, even some of you who are reading this blog) I feel like I can't keep up an intelligent conversation with you. Maybe it's partly because I am rarely ever "allowed" (by my kids) to finish a complete thought let alone a whole conversation...I don't know.
Okay, well, I just needed to vent that. Sorry it was such a negative post. It's just how I am feeling today/lately.
Love you all!
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9 comments:
I agree with you about Abraham and Issac. That is the way I always interpreted it. I also agree with you about feeling like an idiot sometimes(mostly since becoming a mom). I feel shut out sometimes, and like my opinion is worth nothing. There are days when I can't complete an sentence, and even a thought, and days when I don't make sense, even to myself. I sympathize and understand how you are feeling. You are not alone
I completely understand where you are coming from. We all have those times we feel that way, but I disagree that you are not smart. I think you are very intelligent. So don't get yourself down. And about the Abraham thing, he could've been saying that in "FAITH" trusting God so your explanation is just as right as the others.
I've heard preachers teach the Abraham story just as you've thought it...that Abraham believed God's promise to make him the father of many nations, even if God had to raise Isaac from the dead to do so...almost a foreshadowing if you will of raising Christ from the dead. But alas, I have many such talks with my hubby (and we're BOTH Rhema grads, go figure!). :o)
As far as feeling like an idiot... um, yah, I'm with mojonah...seems to have happened to me after becoming a mom. I think my brain fell out of my uterus when my baby did.
off the subject, have you ever been to snap-it.blogspot.com? It's done by a friend of mine and is really fun. Taking Care of 5 used to do it with her kids, since it's fun for school-aged kids to get in on the excitement and creativity. Thought I'd tell you about it. I'm "Missa" on it and my son is "ebear"
I also agree with you about the Abraham and Issac story. I honestly beleive it was one of those "types and shadows" in the O.T. But hey...it's great either way huh? :0)
Yes, YOU ARE NOT ALONE...let me repeat...YOU ARE NOT ALONE in feeling this way and yes it is because of children and THIS TOO SHALL PASS...I feel the same exact way and I think it's because our brains have been short circuited so many times due to interuptions from kiddos that it just begins to function that way even when they are not around!
I frequently pray for my brain that it would function to the full capacity that God intended it to (no jokes please! Ha!) and I bind confusion. It works!
I love your honesty MJ!!!!!!!
I think all moms feel that way. It is not an easy job we have of raising our kids...but God sees ahead and He knew what we would be going through. He has annointed us to train them up. We must remember that our time of training will be short...then they fly out of the nest. I am sorry you feel bad about this, my heart goes out to you. I can honestly say that it gets a whole lot better, not so taxing on the brain as to where we are able to think and focus.
As for the Abraham thing, I think Pastor Bob did a teaching on that and he did say that Abraham KNEW it would turn out great....either God would provide a substitute OR God would raise Issac from the dead...but he KNEW...just that disagreement within your family, know that people have been arguing points about the Bible for centuries...you are not alone.
Look forward to seeing your and your fam at Christmas!
I've been thinking more about your post and isn't it amazing how our parents can still "put us in our place" even when we're grown up and have children of our own? I'm shocked sometimes how one word from my mom or dad can still send me reeling, like I'm 6 years old again. Weird, huh? Do we ever grow out of that??!?!
Ok dear your definitely not the only one that can't finish her sentences. I'll will be midsentence in a conversation and totally forget what I was even talking about. Wanna talk about feeling like an air head.
As far as the bible goes I kinda feel like God gives us our own interpretation of what we read as long as it doesn't change the scripture. I'm sure you know what I mean. I think when we are reading the word that he is ministering to us through that and giving to us what we need and that maybe our spouse read the same scripture but needed to be ministered to differently.
Then again it could just be all the transcription we do!!!
funny...our family devotion tonight was regarding Abraham....
Romans 4:18-21....It basically says Abraham did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in faith believing that God had the power to do what he had promised...
so since he only had one son....somehow, the promise would still be fulfilled....
I have to say....you guys are the BEST! I never expected this kind of response from you all. Quite honestly, I just expected a few comments and then I figured they would be something like "Don't be dumb-you're not dumb." I NEVER thought/realized that you all feel this way too! I really thought it was just me. None of you ever come across as "air headed". Nevertheless...these comments from you all have made me feel so loved. Thank you so much Diva for sharing what you guys went over in your devotion--and to all of you for validating my interpretation of the Abraham story. I know Matt wasn't trying to make me feel "dumb" that day we talked...it was just the way I felt. Anyway, you guys are so wonderful and thoughtful to take the time to write me these sweet comments. Thank you, Thank You!!
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