II Chronicles 7:14

If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Vent: You don't have to read...

I'm going to vent here right now. I seriously feel like I need to get this all off my chest and to be honest, there is no one in my life (husband, mom, friends) who have time to actually listen to me ramble on and on about stupid stuff like this...so it's going on the blog. Whether or not anyone reads it...I don't know...but at least I can get it out.

#1: So today, in the middle of doing a MILLION things and being beyond busy, I run into town to pick up a last minute gift that we need to mail TODAY. I only have like 15 minutes to spare so I just run into our town's little drug store where they have pretty cute stuff. However...what I apparently failed to notice when I've browsed while waiting for prescriptions before is that their prices are RIDICULOUS! I'm talking about $30 for a picture frame, $45 for a pair of flip flops, $20 for a candle, $35 for a necklace. So I run across the street to a flower/gift shop. I'd never been in there before but they have NOTHING but flowers and candles so that's a no-go. I run to Atwoods thinking maybe I can find something-anything girlie there---nope. I stop at about 3 other stores and still leave with nothing. It's not that I can't find anything...it's that shopping on a "dave ramsey" budget is friggin' impossible!!! (I'm already back to using the credit card until the paycheck gets here because that is the only way we can LIVE.) But that isn't even my main gripe on this #1. It's this: I go into this one little gift shop and right off the bat I see all kinds of eye-candy. I'm like "oohhhh yay! maybe I will actually find something!" But 1 minute after I begin looking the lady working at the store comes over and starts TALKING MY EAR OFF. And for at least 30 minutes she BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH talked to me!!! I never did get to shop! By the time I'd been standing there (still in the entrance of the store) for 20 or so minutes, I was just sure there was smoke coming from my nostrils and ears. I was as mad at her for "wasting" my time as I was mad at myself for always being in such a DANG hurry that I can't even take 30 minutes of my day to talk to some nice old lady. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?????? It was like a battle in my head because one minute I said to myself "For goodness sake Jennifer, just take a second and talk to her. She's 70 years old and probably needs someone to listen to her jibber-jabber about mowing and her kids and her sore back, etc." and then 2 seconds later I would think "OH MY GOSH I am frickin' an HOUR BEHIND schedule and I can't even shop in this stupid store because this lady won't SHUT UP and let me look!!" AUGH!!!!!!!!!
In the end, I spent TWO HOURS looking for this gift that didn't exist. I wanted something cute and unique and FREE! Ha! I ended up getting something that was about a 2 on the cuteness scale and cost $5.99. What a waste of my afternoon.

#2: So, now here I am, trying to make up lost time this afternoon. I 'm having company for dinner, Grant has a baseball game tonight, I'm supposed to bring a dessert to the school tomorrow for Teacher Appreciation, my house is a mess, I haven't done my work for the doctors office yet and so I'm SCRAMBLING around like a total NUT screaming at the kids and racing through the house and all of a sudden I hear "DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG" at my front door. The kids immediately get excited...and I immediately get frustrated. I don't give a RIP who it is...they are INFRINGING ON MY TIME! So I answer the door and this lady is standing there and she says, "Hello, may I speak to your mother" to me. UH HELLO LADY BUT I AM NOT AN IDIOT---whatever you are selling, you can just take it back to your car because I am not buying anything these days and I FOR SURE am not buying something from someone who thinks they can "butter me up" by telling me I look like the "teenager of the house." Give me a buh-reak! So she wants to come in and clean my carpet. I politely as I can, tell her that NO I am not interested...and pretty much tell her everything that I just told you guys in the first sentence of this paragraph. To which she says "Oh...well, if you're having company this is perfect because now your carpet will be clean and your house will smell nice." I irritatedly tell her that I have about 3 hours worth of work to get done and I only have 1 hour to do it in and that THIS IS NOT A GOOD TIME!!!! (which I've said now at least 10 times!) THANK HEAVENS my mom happened to pull up at about that time and she started talking to her instead so I shut my door and went back in.
What part of "NO TRESPASSING" do people not understand. We didn't put that sign on our front gate for nothing!!!
Argh! And FURTHERMORE...now my kids want to know why I am mad and why I didn't let that lady come in and clean because she "was so nice to you mommy. She told you how pretty and young you are and wanted to come and clean for you and you weren't very nice back to her."
OHHH!!! MYYY!!! GOSHHH!! I just want to scream!!! Now I'm defending myself to my kids about why that lady was really just trying to say nice things (even if they weren't true) just so I would buy something from her. Oh whatever.

To prove to you how NUTSO I have actually gone, I got out the paddle to spank Brooklyn for locking me out of her room and then when she finally opened it she screamed " WHAT DO YOU WANT??"at me...but then when I told her I was going to spank her she started bawling and ran to her room and got a Mother's Day Card she had been making me. Okay so now I'm confused and frustrated and don't know whether to spank her or hug her so I grab up the paddle and start WHACKING THE FIRE out of the leather recliner. Yes...folks. This is me. I have LOST IT. If that recliner had been alive, I'd have surely killed that thing dead.

And now here I am...running more and more out of time and yet I'm blogging. I don't have time to even be THINKING about blogging but I had to do it because quite honestly, I feel like I am LOSING MY MIND.
This is not me. This is not who I am. I don't like it and I don't want any part of it. So why do I feel like I'm being swallowed up by it?

The budget/money thing feels like a thousand pounds on my shoulders. If I could just get rid of that one concern...I think things would be a lot easier to deal with.

Okay...well, if you read all that, God bless you. Anyone who has any advice is always welcome to give it! I appreciate input but I understand if you don't leave any either. Sometimes I just don't think there is any answer....


Amy said...

Oh, friend I am so sorry to hear about your frustrating day! I have been there a LOT lately! And to think I was texting you today...adding to your things you had to do! Sorry girl! I sure do wish I lived closer so I could help you out!

I WISH I had some helpful advice for you. As for the birthday things I made a New Year's resolution to give 100% homemade gifts this year. And YES it is very time consuming. Sometimes I think what the heck was I THINKING?! I have NO TIME! But it is WAAYY cheaper (sometimes). I also have a birthday calendar that I list every birthday for the entire year on and keep on the side of my fridge. Theoretically I'm supposed to see it every day and realize important dates are coming up. In reality, that mostly happens but they still sometimes sneak up on me.

Oh, I'll say it again...I SO wish I lived closer! I love you girl and would do anything I could to help out. Hang in there!

Teresa said...

Oh man. I think we've all been there at one point or another for sure Jen so don't let anyone look at you like your crazy in judgement as if they never feel this way. It's what you're going to do to chnage it that matters most. Many times...stuff like this is hard to hear but sometimes the hardest stuff to hear is the most helpful...so here goes...don't hate me... :) It just sounds like you have too much going on...too much on your plate...and in the end it leaves you with nothing left of yourself to give to the ones who love and care about YOU the most. When I realized a few years back that I was doing that...it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was running around doing all these things that really seemed to matter at the moment and what I had leftover to give to my kids and husband was pretty ugly...it was a stressed out me. I don't know....something just "clicked" and I got it and made a bunch of changes. Now I'm a natzi about my "to do" list...not just anything gets on there these days b/c I know how tempting it is for me to put that stupid list above the people I care MOST about. Sometimes I think the best gift you can give someone for their birthday is nothing b/c then it takes the pressure off them having to get your something and taking something off someone's 'list' is a huge gift. After having gone thru the WORST thing in life that we've ever had to go thru in the past months...I really did realize who my true friends were and let me tell you...I was surprised at who WAS and who WAS'NT. That experience also helped me to see where my time should be spent. Maybe try to look at your day and ask yourself that if someone you loved or you yourself got terminall ill...would THIS or THAT really matter anyway? I know that is drastic but sometimes it takes drastic thinking to change our broken thinking.

Okay...I could go on and on here but I'll stop now. I just pray that you find a happy balance in all those things so that you can enjoy life to it's fullest b/c I love and care about you so much!! I know that when I reached that "a-ha" moment I felt like I was FREE and I want that for you!

P.S.~it's "ok" to fall short of your own expectations you have on yourself sometimes too! Nobody has such HIGH expectations on you as YOU do! Thus is the life of a woman...


Rene' said...

1. please change your philosophy and realize that I am ALWAYS here for you! I am a friend, I live nearby, I am as crazy as u (ha ha), so please feel free to use my ear (anytime before 8pm-u know the rule-unless u are dying u can't call after 8pm ha ha).
2. so sorry that gift finding trip was such a time sucker and a bust and so frustrating.
3. I was dying laughing during your #2 fiasco! The lady at the door was hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! until Brook locked herself in her room and yelled at you. I know that feeling (and the chair hitting-I personally slam doors so hard I think they are going to fall off the hinges) and I am so sorry that you both were at that point. I don't know what it is, for me I know its because I want to be 'perfect' so I get frustrated and mad bc I know I'm not (and never can be). Is that your bottom line too? or is it just us women today who are trying to keep the balls in the air and keep everyone happy and they house/kids/hubby all taken care of that it overloads us. For pete's sake you and I don't even have to deal with 9-5 jobs yet we are STILL stressed out. there's got to be something better than this. I am stepping back and trying to not be perfect. Its a definate battle, but I am trying. I JUST want to laugh and play with my kids. I want them to have those memories, not me screaming. Wed in church I was teaching the nursery and our bible verse was "a friend loves at all times" I as asking the kids if hitting, or slamming the cabinet door would be loving. they said no, then W pipes up, 'yea, and when u yell that's not loving either, mom' GGGRREEEAAATTTTTT! love it when my kids are smarter than me! what a great impression I've already made. I just have to make better memories from here on in to erase those bad ones (hopefully).
at least u feel u can vent on your blog. I can only vent on YOUR blog (not mine) bc I don't even want my husband to read these inner thoughts because in my mind they are SO bad, I don't want him to know that I'm not as perfect as I should be.

Thanks for being a friend.
I truly love you!
my eyes are welling up now, so I will go. please call me if u need to talk, or email if that's better. love you!

Lori Allberry said...

Oh Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer,
I just now read this post this morning. Honey, I'm so TRULY sorry that you had such a frustrating day!
We have ALL been there done that! Trust me! I wish I could just run and give you a great big hug!!!

You are spreading yourself too thin honey, and I'm sure you know that by now. Please rely on your friends, and email us whenever you need a shoulder to cry on!!! =)

Hugs and Lotsa Love coming your way!