II Chronicles 7:14

If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

Monday, February 20, 2006

I'm goin' crazy!......wanna come?

So, we meet again! Excuse me if I seem a tad bit preoccupied, but there is a mental hurricane occurring in my head at the moment. I hate to admit this but I think I may suffer from some form of ADD or ADHD. At any given moment of any day, I could easily list off 20 things I need to be doing. Ironically, I've always considered myself a very organized,detailed and reliable person...but I am beginning to think that is the "old" me. The new me is this scatter-brained, stressed-out grouch who is late for everything and who is irritated by anything. Numerous times a day, I find myself regretting something I've said or done (usually directed at my kids) and it makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Maybe I've never had it as "together" as I'd like to think...but now-a-days, I am doing a much worse job at disguising my inadequacies. I am confused about everything and making a simple decision is mind-boggling for me. I can actually spend 5 minutes in silence sitting at a drive-thru window trying to decide what to order. For me, it's not as simple as figuring out what everyone wants and ordering that. I have to figure out what is the best deal. Here is an example of what goes through my mind during a time like this. "Is it cheaper to buy 2 individual chicken strips for the kids and separate drinks, or should I just buy them kids meals? They don't really need the fries, but I know they'll want them. I know I should eat a grilled chicken salad, but I am craving the fried chicken sandwich and fries combo but that costs too much and has WAY too many calories so I'll just settle for something off the .99 cent menu even though that's not what I want. Now, should I let Brooklyn get a chocolate shake or is that too fattening? She did already have several Capri Sun's today...but then again, at least a milkshake is calcium, so maybe I should let her get it after all." Okay...so then I order. "Oh Shoot! I don't have any cash. I sure hope this place will take my debit card." "Oh good...they did...but now I am going to have to try to remember to write this debit down in my checkbook or else I am going to have hundreds of dollars worth of debits that weren't recorded when I balance my statement this month (AGAIN!)"
And that is what I experience pretty much everytime I have to make a decision. Just imagine the turmoil I go through when I go grocery shopping and I have to figure out whether the Downy-40 loads at $3.47, the Downy-60 loads at $4.87 or the Downy-80 loads at $6.36 is a better deal! No wonder I walk around with a headache all the time.
On top of all that, a good 85% of the time, I feel like I am failing at being a good mother. I either let my kids get away with too much (I know this from all the condemning stares I get from other people) or else I lash out at them for minor infractions. The majority of the attention Brooklyn gets is negative and I know she feels like Grant is our "favorite". Just thinking about that breaks my heart.
In addition to all those things, my relationship with God is simmering on the back burner rather than being red-hot and up front. My priorities are all mixed up and I am uncertain of how to put them back in order.
Plus, somewhere amongst all of that chaos, I need to find time to take care of myself, eat right, exercise, be a good wife, daughter and friend. I have at least a years worth of scrapbooking to catch up on and I haven't even finished unpacking from when we moved into our house nearly 2 months ago. My house has only been deep-cleaned twice since we moved in and already I need to shampoo the carpets and wash the walls(due to my lack of good parenting choices and letting the kids walk around with sippy cups and snacks).
I have stacks of papers and receipts and bills and school calendars everywhere and I don't even know where to start looking for the stuff I need to file my taxes.
I just don't understand how everyone else copes with all this stuff. I mean, am I just taking it extra hard, or do I have "too much on my plate" so to speak..? (although you could interpret that literally too...ugh!)
Well, if any of you have any advice for me..I would LOVE to hear it. At the moment, I have about 25 things I need to be doing and this isn't one of them. I better go for now! Thanks for listening!


Kristin said...

Hey Girl,

You sure aren't the only one out there with those problems! The whole child raising thing is getting to me also. I feel like the only thing I saw anymore is don't do this, don't do that and if you do that again I'm going to spank your butt. You know all those things you just said is how I feel almost all the time. I question if I'm enough of a mother for him or am I just messing him up for society to try and handle later. I think its a mom thing. Us moms try and please everyone else and put ourselves on the backburner! As far as paper work I'm a** deep in it here. I don't ever go to church because I'm working every stinking Sunday. I need to get my life straight and maybe it will turn around. Just remember that today will end and it will be better tomorrow. TOMORROW IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE BETTER! At least thats what I try and tell myself. If you ever need anyone to talk to or just B***** at call me. Email me and I'll give you my number. Oh and keep your head up!

Amy said...

Hang in there! I wish I could give you the advice that you're looking for, but I don't think I can. Not having kids myself, I have no idea how you must be feeling right now. But, since you and I are EXACTLY alike, I can guarantee that when I DO have kids, I'll be feeling the same stuff you're going through.

But for now, whenever I get feeling like that, I usually just force myself to drop everything and do something for me. I think to myself "it doesn't matter if everything is less than perfect...right now, that's all I can do." And somehow that calms me down and I am able to focus again.

And I have learned to forgive myself if my house isn't spotless, there are a million phone calls I need to make, etc, etc.

I think it must be a female thing. I can't really picture men walking around with the same stuff going on in their heads, can you?